NOTWITHSTANDING THE MINNESOTA DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH'S WARNING TO TAVERN KEEPERS ACROSS THE LAND OF 10,000 LAKES to stop their flaunting the Freedom to Breathe Act with "theater nights" whence smoking is permitted by patrons in the guise of "performers," under pain of a $10,000 fine, you could just imagine how one of Minnesota's Own, "Captain Billy" Fawcett, would have discussed it in that section of his legendary magazine Capt. Billy's Whiz Bang called "Drippings from the Fawcett" as discussed some of his latest doings and other things coming across his mind.

I admit the following may not exactly be in the spirit of "Captain Billy," but I hope you can appreciate the attempt:

As if this past winter wasn't already awful cold and snowy enough for comfort back at Whiz Bang Farm, even if it meant Pedro's shivering all the more these cold and snowy winter days, Gus and Olaf were rather excited about the latest entertainment craze across Minnesota's taverns reaching Robbinsdale: It seems as if Kelly's Bar and Grill was having a "theatrical night" with a "performance" as would feature smoking.

Which I've heard happens to be a new trick around the laws otherwise prohibiting smoking in enclosed public spaces, bars and taverns in particular--or, to be more specific, allows actors in theatrical productions to smoke on stage, so long as audience members were given due warning of this fact. A snowmobilers' and ice fishermans' rendezvous called Barnacle's started the trend earlier this year, and since then, much in the way of attention has been attracted to taverns who were otherwise complaining of lost business from their traditional Joe Sixpack base since the smoking ban went into place.

Anyway, so Gus and Olaf tell me, on an otherwise chilly evening last week, both went over to Robbinsdale and took part in the performance night of Kelly's, arriving early before the crowds came along; rumour had it that some tour groups were coming over to watch a typical such for their own interest in Weird Americana @ its finest. The barkeep handed Gus and Olaf copies of the script (or what passed for it) to be used that evening, and made sure to bring along their beloved packs of smokes to while away the time.

Well, eight o'clock came along, and the performance started. And right from the get-go, Bic lighters were working overtime while Kelly's premi was starting to be cloaked in that distinctive fog of tobacco smoke and its telltale aromas. Some rather awful piano music fanfare started the proceedings, and even if the premi were rather dark in typical barroom fashion, everybody went through their lines on cue and not missed a beat. Even the barkeeps couldn't keep up with the business from types that looked to the world almost like a hybrid of Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin needing their dose of the old nicotine "on doctor's orders."

Rumour had it that some of the more enthusiastic specimens of the audience came from nearby group homes for the mentally ill blowing what passed for their pay from a nearby sheltered workshop, as if they were actually getting serious pay for what passed as work. And boy, were they chain-smoking those cheap GPC's and Worths with as much gusto as your typical Joe Sixpack before the ban came along.

And the tourists brought in to play the role of the "audience" for the sake of the "theatrical performance" were no doubt laughing their heads off @ just how much of a farce this "theatrical performance" turned out being; they just couldn't believe how a mere neighbourhood tavern could suddenly become the Guthrie Theater just to accomodate the "cultural heritage" of the Peter Griffin element who couldn't live without smoking. Especially having just come from a shopping run to the Mall of America as part of their ur-Cook's Tour of Minnesota.

And speaking of ur-Cook's Tours, a close acquaintenance with Explore Minnesota Tourism tells me they can't keep up with the enquiries over the phone and online about these "theatrical smokers" they've read about in the papers and heard about on Fox News, or so they explained it to the operators. Even if many of the tourists coming over to watch such "theatrical performances" among tavern thespians are pretty much in the Chris Griffin vein--fat, stupid, willing to accept anything as news, shopping Wally World rather than Target given the opportunity, even if Target was closer to their house than Wally World.

Quite the talk of the dinner table back @ Whiz Bang Farm, I say....

(Honestly, though, the bit about the ur-Cook's Tours and enquiries to Explore Minnesota Tourism are the byproducts of my disordered, yet opinionated, mind in the Captain Billy vein, and should be construed as having no other significance.

(Or could there be such already since the news first broke on the wires?)

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BURMA-SHAVE VERSE to conclude this commentary:

IF YOU DRIVE
WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK
CARRY YOUR COFFIN
IN YOUR TRUNK
BURMA-SHAVE